Therapy Homework

I have to come up with at least two (2) mantras!

My personal brand of depression/anxiety has been called the common cold of mental illness by one of my therapists.

So I am thinking my dread and trigger of feeling judged by other people is pretty universal as well.  I mean my logic knows people are most of time just as in their own head as I am in mine.  That knowledge doesn't seem to help in the moment.

My therapist wants me to come up with a mantra to say while I am feeling less than; while I am feeling unworthy of being in public; or while I am feeling too weird.  The initial homework was for just one mantra.

 Then I explained well a little quirk of mine: my most frequent way I talk badly about myself is in French.

My therapist seemed  surprised and asked me if French was a language I spoke at home. It is not. I normally degrade myself in french because I don't want anyone else to know what I am saying.

Which is a bit silly if I think about it.  And reinforces my desire to control how others see me, and also tries to make sure I am not imposing on others.

So my homework changed to finding a mantra in English & French.

I am still looking for what they will be.  Do you have one to share?

Also, I wonder if I am the only one who uses another language like that.

Japan Trip as a Reward

So this big trip I am planning to go on is supposed to be a reward for getting my life and self back together.

So what does that mean? Well I guess I will post the big illuminating letter I wrote to myself/family in a little bit when I feel brave enough.

The line I have been rehearsing is: "I was in the worst shape I have been in physically, mentally, emotionally and I needed time to get better."

All true. But I feel like it was and is so much more.

So now my goals include healthy body; control (or at least acceptance and learn to live with) my depression/anxiety/panic attacks; and figure out my next steps in life.

They are all sound so nebulous. I mean healthy body, I have figured, I can quantify with weight loss, so that is the one I tend to talk about with people. I worry my friends think my goals are just that, and all superficial.

I mean I do want to have some superficial changes. I would love to like the way I look! I would also like to like my aesthetic, and craft a look.

But my goals to me are more deep and hopefully positive and lasting. I am hoping that by completing these goals I will gain tools that will help me not crumble so completely ever again.